desolate.

the last blog i ever had was made specifically as an online journal to talk about how it felt to be so empty. my screen name was "callmedesolate". i honestly felt as though there was nothing inside of me worth offering to anyone. nothing beautiful about me. just. nothing.
and i was so gosh darn lonely. i felt like no one in the world could identify with my pain. i felt like people were tired of me and wanted me to pretend everything was okay so they didn't feel so awkward. i felt i was judged for the way i felt. i felt, i felt, i felt.

it's been a few years now since then, and it's interesting to see how my journaling has so changed.
there are still those angry lonely moments. they always seem to creep up when i least expect them, gnawing at the most tender parts of my thoughts and emotions. i think it's this desire to tell someone everything. i get tired of telling everyone something. i just want someone to know it all.
and i don't know why. does speaking change the past or the way i deal with the past now? no. will it impact my future for the good? probably not. will speaking make the listener feel good? will it establish a closer bond between us? i don't think so.
here's the problem. speaking scares me. when i start to talk, what i say could make us strangers. you might look at me and wonder who i am and how in the world you fit into that. and i'm afraid once i start i won't stop. i'll keep going til you have no idea what to say anymore. and i'm afraid of your reaction. i'm afraid you won't be there for me like i need it or say what i want to hear. i'm afraid that after all my silence, when i finally tell you -- everything -- you will be mute, forcing me back into silence.

the good news: not only does my journal listen, but so does God. and at those times when i am most afraid of myself and what has happened -- even in the middle of the night -- He is there. He hears my whispers in the dark. and when i am silent, He speaks to my heart.

a montgomery bus boycotter said "my feet is tired, but my soul is rested."

this blog is a product of many steps. honest. clumsy. mistaken. pure, sincere, grace-driven steps.
steps on their way from desolation to purpose to home.